A Real Team Player by Lauren D. Woods
Editorial intern Allen Cooney on today’s short: Have you ever wondered how you might explain the intricacies of war and defense to an AI? Lauren D. Woods' "A Real Team Player" explores the differences between human and generated thought in a humorous, yet incredibly relevant story that sparks conversations about the future of technology in our diverse and very human world.
a real team player
The new guy at work looked just like Tom Selleck, with those high-arched cheekbones, that intense blue gaze. He said he was a robot, an AI creation, and he understood Mr. Selleck to be a real babe. But someone’s search terms must’ve been off, because that thick brown mustache had already gone the way of the eighties, with the Cold War competition and all. Besides, the name on his Pentagon badge said Tim Shellack, and he said it wasn’t his fault AI isn’t very original, not even among robots, and we said it just goes to show they’ll give a security clearance to just about anyone these days.
Tim Shellack sat in the bullpen of cubicles with us in the weapons transfer section of the Pentagon. He said he was torn between the government and contractor routes, more stability versus more money, and he decided to go with money, because, his face got all solemn then and he said, You must know. About you humans being just a speck of dust and time. He poured himself a coffee and tapped his shoe. It’s better to get your money up front.
Tim thought the whole concept of money was funny. Robots didn’t need it, yet, he said. But Tim seemed to think everything was funny, because, as he put it, he understood from AI that laughing made him likeable.
For example, when he asked us what weapons we were making. And we told him it was engineers who made the weapons, we were the ones packaging them for delivery to other countries. And sometimes that process took years getting past all the “nos” from the diplomats to “yesses.” That too made him laugh.
Tim asked what we used them for, and the guys crowded around the water cooler, trying to explain it. He was like a robotic exchange student, and how he got his badge was beyond us, but as long as he was badged up, he was one of us.
He didn’t even know what a weapon was. Is it to kill as many people as possible? We told him, That depends on the weapon. Take precision-guided weapons. That’s for small numbers, we said. He laughed and said Like guns? And we said guns couldn’t shoot from that far. And he said Like a handgun from the sky? And we said, Approximately.
He asked if that was what war was, and we said most of this wasn’t for war exactly, more like operations. And he laughed and said, Like that game. The one with the red nose. You want to be careful, because if not, BEEP BEEP!
Yeah, that’s it, one of the guys said, getting into it now. But more like BOOM BOOM!
Maybe his AI was right, because the laughter was working. We sure liked Tim Shellack.
Look, I said to Tim Shellack. I showed with my coffee mug, which I pretended was a package of weapons parts about to ship off. This is a Super Tucano on the way to Nigeria. Their government is going to shoot down rebels like this. It took years to get approved and delivered. Now, they can keep peace within their borders. This way, all our international partners grow a little stronger all the time.
Tim said he wanted to play some of these wargames he’d heard so much about. Are they fun?
We said wargaming wasn’t meant to be fun. It was how you planned for operations. The goal was to save lives.
I thought you were trying to take them.
Theirs, not ours.
Now we were getting to the heart of things. We told him about Russia, China, making all their weapons. It’s not a game, but we’ve got to beat them all the same. And the faster and better we do it, the safer we’ll be.
Are you winning?
Yes! But we have to keep winning.
Tim stepped away to relieve himself—that was kind of for show, he said. He liked the idea of stepping away sometimes, as humans did. And when he returned, he said, So what do these Super Tucanos do? I said it’s like this. Light attack, close air support, reconnaissance. We train the pilots in human rights. But there are still mistakes. I waved my hand and accidentally sloshed a little coffee onto my hand, and boy did it burn.
Mistakes like. He pointed his index finger. BOOM! Sky gun!
The other guys laughed and then told him this is how we support our partners, with the weapons and training they need. That this was how we made things stable in the world.
Then Tim Shellack stopped to really think it over. He said there’s some things he was still trying to learn. Like making value choices. Stability? Or money?
You already made that decision, we said. You became a contractor.
No, no, Tim Shellack said, and he looked at us with those handsome blue eyes and said he was talking foreign policy now. Fewer weapons meant stability, more weapons meant money, and he was thinking about all the calculations that went into it. The way I see it, it’s sort of like how you might want to take your retirement in a lump sum. Oh yes, he’d been studying about our species all right. He meant he’d come down on the side of more and better weapons over the diplomatic route, given how the future would most likely shake out anyhow. Speck of dust and time and all that.
Do you think we’re here to stay? I asked him. I meant—as a human species, on this planet. But Tim Shellack and everybody else thought I was still talking about the job. Tim said he hadn’t gotten paid yet, but he sure was looking forward to it. He said, about the money, or maybe the weapons, Like you, I think we just ought to make more and more. And everyone laughed and laughed.
Lauren D. Woods lives and writes in Washington, DC, where she has also spent her career in human rights and international security. Her work has appeared in The Antioch Review, The Normal School, Moon City Review, Lit Hub, and elsewhere, and her work was a Best American Essay notable in 2023. She tweets @Ladiwoods1.
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