Girlhood

by Jenny Hu

I had a fight with Rose last week because my friend had been a cunt to her friend. And then I thought it really was a shame we were fighting because she was wearing black overalls and a little boys’ shirt that looked very chic, and I wanted to say so.

After our class on nuclear weapons, Annabelle reads me Marcus Aurelius quotes from her Daily Stoic email list: It’s all in how you perceive it. You’re in control. You can dispense with misperception at will, like rounding the point. At night, we smoke cigarettes on the quad outside my dorm building. The sky is cloudless and pale and sweet.

We dance ourselves stupid at Askew and Alchemy and in the basement of the football team’s rancid house. Moscato gets us giddy drunk but tequila makes us sad. Lanie and I sit on the fire escape outside my dorm to talk about God. We talk about premarital sex. I am scared to think too much about sins because I don’t want to admit that I’m a sinner.

I am trying to drink less. Together Naomi and I decide to stop taking shots. This way, the world is generally less fun, but my skin is generally clearer.

On Saturday mornings I go to brunch with Megan at Amy’s, and we talk about the events of the night before. Her life is moving fast but my story is usually the same. As of late she has been seeing a boy in Liam’s frat who buys her dinner and takes her to the movies.

I offer to go with Naomi for her Brazilian because she says it’s in a scary part of the city. I don’t find many places in New England scary; after all, my hometown is full of crack addicts. I am not afraid of homeless people or drunk drivers or the police. Priya says I’m brave but really I just assume I’m too important to die in a flippant way.

What is the meaning of agency? Today I pick a cream silk shirt and wide leg jeans and a pair of white cowboy boots with a three inch heel, I order a London fog with oat milk, I write a pitch about a cooling comforter for Menopause Awareness Month. I plead with Victoria not to go on a bender this weekend. I text Brendan about seeing him when I’m in DC on business; I don’t call Liam.

In Medieval Latin we are reading a poem addressed to Charlemagne’s daughter, Berthe. I tell the boys, Just because she doesn’t get raped doesn’t mean she’s empowered! The other girls in the class are quiet but the boys have many things to say in response.

Lanie and I have dinner on the Main Green. I hate seeing couples walk past because I am jealous of them. I am thinking, I am lovelier than her so why is she more lovable than me? I am more dazzling, more golden; I am exotic and speak five languages. Why would any man want to fuck anybody else?

I tell Rose I’m doomed to marry a cheater. She makes harissa chicken for me and we sit cross legged on her rug with our ceramic bowls in our laps. I can’t tell if she is high or not. The chicken is cooked perfectly.

Jenny Hu is an undergraduate at Brown University. Her work can be found in Split Lip, Hobart, and Bayou Magazine, among others.